I came across these rules many years ago, as guidelines of value especially in relationship arguments. An expanded version goes like this: Whenever you feel the need (i.e. are tempted) to defend yourself, to explain yourself, to justify yourself - Don’t! 

Don’t D_orE_orJ

Because, if you do - NOTHING OF VALUE WILL HAPPEN.

Now, at first this didn’t make much sense to me, especially as a communication Rule. OK, maybe sometimes...  

So I decided to test it on myself.

All in all my testing was fruitful, and it became a powerful Rule of Communication for me, and also some useful advice for many clients.

A Memorable Vignette

Many years ago, I was employed as a Hospital Social Worker, some of which involved my work on the Psychiatric Unit. At times this involved my presence at staff meetings. Now I should note that the current Chief of Psychiatry didn’t really like me (in part because my authority came through a separate hospital department). And on this occasion he made use of a staff meeting to specifically dress me down because of something I did with a patient (I have no memory of what it was, but he was probably correct in that I had overstepped a boundary - I can be a bit of a rogue). In an attempt to shame me, he chose to say, “Mr. McDonald, do you know what you’re doing?” Even back then I was aware of the D_orE_orJ Rule and since he used a yes or no question, a ‘no’ which would validate his purpose, I chose to respond with a body-firm “yes”. (Not totally honest, but effective.) At that moment I became a hero to 75% of the staff present.

In Gratitude,

As I look back, I can recall no moment when my parents ever caused me to use a D_orE_orJ defense -  though I’m sure there were some minor occasions now far beyond my memory. I was very fortunate. I can recall other occasions when other ‘parent figures’ tried at it, and maybe even succeeded. This may be why I’ll work so hard with my clients to help them extricate from various D_orE_orJ traps. 

I hope this can be of benefit.

Another vignette

Years ago I had as a client, a single parent mother of three teen daughters. She would often comment on how well they all got along. One day I asked her what her secret was - and her response was simple “I never corner them.”  I happened to share that with my sister, who noted also how “Our Dad would never corner us.”

Parents especially, and everybody else,

Pay attention.

Footnotes

Footnote

[1] Albert Mehrabian, of the University of California, Los Angeles, in the 1970s developed his 7-38-55 Communication model says that 7% of the meaning of and attitudes takes place through the words we use in spoken communications, while 38% takes place through tone and voice and the remaining 55% of communication of these factors take place through the body language we use (specifically our facial expressions).  [from Wikipedia]