I wrote this originally for a few of my clients. I wanted to present a structure of understanding to help interpret what was behind that pervasive feeling of craziness many of them suffer. After some very positive responses, I decided to remake it as a Newsletter offering.
For certain, the
narcissistic personality disorder
phenomenon has various degrees and shades, and my interpretation here covers only a narrow perspective. Yet it is an honest attempt to make sense of a pattern I encounter all too often in the relationships of female clients. I generalize that the narcissist is male, which is frequently the case. In the case of a female narcissist, her narcissistic slave could be either a man, or (very frequently) another woman.
• • •
He
carries that inner bind or split
The conscious - his need (hunger, necessity) to succeed at all costs.
The unconscious - his deep fear of an immanent, illogical annihilation,
[1]
- which is the source of a third element, though often very well hidden - his rage.
He cannot understand the inner split that renders these elements
irreconcilable,
and if he could, the resultant anxiety would hit him like a tsunami. So the splitting must remain unconscious.
However, in his initial relationship with a woman he senses a hope - a hope of reconciling the irreconcilable within. But the structure of that hope carries an enslaving split for the woman - having the same idealizing and devaluing ‘pattern’ of his own inner bind:
He must
idealize
her - have her perfect for him, and
He must
devalue
her - make her an unworthy, inadequate, lower being.
He will never see the relationship between or even the presence of these two elements. He can comprehend cause/effect, but this is not cause/effect. He cannot see what he does (to her). And especially because he cannot see, the second half of the formula (her devaluation) must be played out unconsciously, and sometimes brutally.
She
carries that inner duality which it is the heart/womb dream of every (perhaps I’m idealizing) woman to reconcile:
To give herself completely (in love), and
To be herself fully (as a person in her own right and integrity).
This duality has the same ‘pattern’ as the narcissist’s bind, except his is a pathology (a destructive mental illness) and hers is inborn nature to a woman, albeit her duality also shares that same character of being irreconcilable.
For the narcissist, he finds a relief from the narcissistic distress in finding a woman to ‘love’ him - i.e. whom he can use, ’perfect’, and then destroy. This “love” of a woman becomes the enslavement of her.
For the woman, her deep self yearns to find resolution from the inner duality of
her
nature through loving and being loved by a man (or an other). Such loving of a woman can be a man’s greatest gift to her, in which there is no need for idealizing or devaluing.
Perhaps you can see the setup for a disaster here. He is the perfect persecutor, and she is the perfect prey. And in the beginning of a relationship, narcissists are wonderfully attentive - too wonderful.
But the narcissist, being split himself, cannot ‘love’ or allow himself to be ‘loved’ - nor allow this to happen in/for her. Therefore after the initial wonderfulness, all that’s left for him to do is to take and demolish.
Because the narcissist cannot stand to ‘know’ this (because he is, of course, a wonderful, good and upright person), he must deny feelings, especially any feelings of empathy for his woman - or anybody else for that matter. And, to make matters worse, if he does happen to dip into his well of feelings, the top layer frequently contains that old nemesis, his rage. A close second to the rage is a lifetime supply of dissociated (buried) anxiety.
Let me add a further comment about the narcissist and feelings. It’s difficult for most of us to comprehend that he doesn’t have feelings. What he has instead is an excellent catalog of mimicked ‘feelings’ - as if he’s studied human nature perfectly in order to mimic it. He’s the perfect actor, having no feelings of his own to get in the way of his ‘act.’ This is where that original inner necessity of ‘perfection’ shines. These people make excellent salespeople, business leaders, and politicians. (I could easily add some preachers and lawyers to the list as well.) Just look closely at their wives. But what I’m saying here about him, he can’t ever know - he actually has no idea what real feelings are. The only ‘crack in the armor’ is when the rage shows up. And it’s an open question of whether he actually ‘feels’ any anger, or is limited to only
seeing
(not feeling) himself as angry after the fact, if at all. But when you’re the object of that anger, you can’t or needn’t tell the difference. You fight or run - and in fighting you’ll rarely win on your own. Either way you’ll feel guilty, especially if you’re female.
Sometimes the woman herself cannot ‘feel’ his absence of any true feelings until it’s too late - especially if she has not ‘felt’ the difference, or the presence of real love, in her own formation (upbringing), or at least somewhere significant in her life. All that’s left for her to ‘feel’ is that she’s ‘crazy.’ And, of course, he’s all too ready to tell her that, again and again.
One difficult outcome is that even after such relationships, the woman will be constantly tempted to doubt herself - her thoughts and feelings (and her sanity). And the narcissist himself, though quite contrary to his protestations, will easily find a replacement - often again and again.
For the sake of these women, let’s all
pay attention.
Footnotes
[1]
Somewhere in my reading, I came across the following example or metaphor of the inner psychological structure of the narcissist: It’s as if his (generalizing to a preponderance of males in this category) parents have constantly insisted on his perfection. He is at all costs to excel in all (or at least all the important) things, so that they can be ‘proud’ of him. That’s the conscious message - which is bad enough. But there’s a double bind here (i.e. a contradictory and unconscious message) - that is if he supersedes them (i.e. becomes better than them) they’ll have to ‘kill’ him. It’s that unconscious
destruction of self
that he then must (unconsciously) project elsewhere.
Comments (13)
timing is everything
Bill,
And so we bear the cross of the damage done by the narcissistic male in our lives but each day it gets a little lighter. So true are your words and insights on this subject, and they couldn’t have come at a better time.
Bill,
I finally understand my first husband!! And, I have the scars (both physically and psychologically) to prove it. He’s been gone from my life for a very long time but every so often, I get that feeling that I am just not good enough and now I know where it came from. Thanks!!!
Lesson Learned
Bill, Thank you for more insight on this topic. It was a mystery to
me for many years until a wise Professor first brought it to my
attention. Another profession you should add to the list is the
scientist.
My major regret from the experiences I’ve had is the inability to
trust in another relationship.
For many people, it is impossible to believe that someone is capable
of mimicing sincere emotional feelings in a relationship. Now,I am
quick to recognize the patterns of narcissism and may be inclined to
rush to judgement. Forever scarred?
Dawn
The quandry
Do you think the spouses of narcissists could be salespeople, business leaders, politicians, lawyers, and religious leaders? Probably not unless they too are narcissists. Like who is the narcissist, Bill or Hillary? (joking)
Narcissists are like big prey animals. They tend to be loners in the sense that they don’t share their hunting strategies with others. If they could share they wouldn’t be narcissists, would they?
My father was a narcissist. I have had relationships with narcissists. I get so angry when I figure it out. When you say that the female may never have ‘felt’ the difference, I understand that idea. I have narcissistic traits. Learned behavior or a biological trait?
You describe the 1 to 10 of it. I wonder how many relationships contained a volume of 3? Something to pay attention to (as you say) and neutralize when discovered. thanks.
can they change?
Do narcissists ever change? Your description fits the man I have been involved with (off and on) for over a year. I have confronted him with that “split” as you call it, and asserted my self-confidence. He has involved in a 12 step program for several years. I have not seen any real change in his “accountability.” I have also given the ultimatum that he get professional help. How does it happen that this type of person achieves mental health, if ever.
Aren't We All A part of This?
Great article, Bill. Helps me understand things with an added dimension. It seems most of history and currently today throughout the world, things are set up this way you describe. The masculine expression has a hunger to succeed at all costs and at the same time, we all fear that expression will annihilate, and in fact, often does destroy life. While the feminine expression is both idealized and devalued, unworthy and inadequate.
This lack of balance has created our religions, politics, legal systems, finances, food, health care etc, where life and natural abundance are not nurtured, rather a very sick definition of “success” is accepted. When anyone tries to speak up and address this- whether it’s global atrocities or whistle blowing within a business or within a relationship, the response you describe is predictable and acceptable- the undervalued position is deemed crazy, stupid, revengeful, pitiful etc.. Although painful to go through it, this power structure seems to be breaking apart, imploding in on itself with all the political uprisings we are seeing, women owned businesses, recognizing Mother Earth as an entity in Bolivia, the financial crisis, growth of alternative health care, organic and life-sustaining food, etc. It’s kind of exciting to me.
And I have a question. What’s the source or purpose of the masculine rage and anxiety from an archetypal, historical view? I can kind of see it from a survival/ tribal perspective. I’d like to hear your views. Thanks!
Rage
Bill,
So much of what you’re writing also seems to apply to bipolar disorder. As the bipolar brain tries to find some balance where none exists, as the emotions ebb and flow, the rage builds up and flows freely. At the same time, the bipolar is trying to maintain control of his environment in the desperate – and always futile – hope that this time he can control his emotions, this time he won’t snap. If he can arrange things just so, then this time the rage won’t boil over.
Or am I misunderstanding things?
This is a “wrong thought”, still I find comfort in knowing I am not alone with this problem. The getting over “not good enough”, “not trying hard enough or thinking enough or right” If only I had done it right or done the right things everything would have been fine.
I want Doris to know the scars will never go away, which keep us from falling into the same trap. Like all scars they lighten and fade with time. Finding your own answers with help, will be the “lighting of the load”. No one is perfect!
The Scars
There’s an old tradition that says from our own scars can come gifts for the healing of others. Bill
Over It...
When your bruised and battered and truely believe you are crazy,as he likes to put it,there is always a part of you,somewhere in the recesses of your mind,that screams it is wrong.It is a subtle overtaking that convinces you that you must be crazy,because isnt he the one that the community and your neighbors are just smitten with.The one who everyone says is such a wonderful man?You do begin to lose faith in yourself and he likes it that way.Eventually,you start to become just like him.You begin to play a part,to act like nothing is wrong.The only difference is YOU know its wrong,he never will.When your soul is finally emptied(which is what he likes to do)and when you begin to not care if you see onother day,that tiny part in the recesses of your mind that has always told you it was wrong ,kicks in.You stand up and finally fight back.You leave.You get help and you slowly put your life back together.Its not as easy as it sounds because by this time you are drinking too much or acting out in innapropriate ways just to numb the horror of what you have allowed him to do to you.When you wake up one morning and actually marvel again at a beautiful sunrise or feel the joy of watching a child play you realize you are truely healing.Its like a re awakining that brings feelings of pure joy that you havent felt in years.Yes,that narcissist may have bent you,but he didnt break you.BEWARE OF THE NARCISSIST...
More than just personal
I can’t help myself, but I find myself looking at this issue vis a vis the world at large (politically) more than just on an interpersonal level: How many of the right wing ranters out there do you see who follow your paradigm? The need (for the individual – only – no “community” here!) to succeed at all costs; illogical (and irrational - “Where was he born?”) fear of imminent annihilation (“When will they attack again?”), followed by a rage (:"Nazi!![](" "Socialist)
![](" "Fascist)
!) Sounds like a birther convention with Glenn Beck as the keynote speaker.
Response to Terry B.
Terry,
I’ve both anticipated and dreaded this question. The most accurate answer is no, narcissists don’t change. It’s not that they can’t change. It’s just that they have no sufficient reason to change. Since they don’t ‘feel’ they don’t have any discomfort. And their ‘personality’ is the easiest place to hide from any discomfort – and besides, in their (inner) world, they can still be very successful.
I’ve got a corner of my library with some pretty heavy books that do offer the possibility of significant change – though like personality disorders in general, the ‘personality’ or ‘character’ is pretty firmly fixed after late adolescence, and the amount of genuine hard work on the part of the individual is a major undertaking. I’ve tried a number of times, and each time the individual eventually just walks (or sneaks) away. The only positive outcome is that I’ve become wiser in not being personally taken in by them. I may spend some time acting the ‘taken in’ role in hopes of getting to that inner place of emptiness and pain. And I’ll hold on to a hope that perhaps my diagnosis is wrong. But time and again, once I begin to hint in that direction, they’re gone. Perhaps other clinicians can weigh in on this.
You mention 12-step programs. My experience is not great here, and my first thoughts are that I would hope maybe they could provide something that can ‘crack’ this personality. In fact they are based on the (statistically inaccurate and logically questionable) insistence that “once an addict, always an addict.” I ponder that perhaps their acceptance of that incongruity may have the power as an antidote also to counter that narcissist bind I’ve described. It’s an interesting thought. However, my own experience with 12-step clients hasn’t given me any hope yet.
As do all sufferers (even in this case where the suffering is born out only by the partner), the narcissist deserves the hope and possibility of achieving mental health. So I personally want there to be an answer, and am stubborn enough to keep that door open. That’s why I keep reading those books, even though they don’t help me much (yet).
One thing I note about the nature of women in relationships, that is you want to try everything before they ‘give up’. That’s both the blessing and your curse of your gender.
So my answer to you is twofold. To you: statistics and wisdom say, there’s too little hope. For myself: I’ll keep working at it. A major difference is that in the meantime I don’t have to live with my clients.
Bill
— Bill McDonald, 4/2/2011